“I wonder if this will ever end” – she told herself.
The morning had started as many others before; too early and too emotionless.
She could not remember at what exact moment the world around her had caused her so much sadness. Perhaps it was because there is no “exact moment”, but rather an accumulation of exact moments. Or it may be a problem of perspective, and the outside world had little to do. Perhaps it was her inside that was devastated.
In any case, that was just a detail.
Sorrow was always after her. And that was all she could think of.
Jord was in her thirties. People usually mentioned she looked younger, but she never paid attention to them. She had no make up routine, her face was naturally beautiful. Her long dark brown hair would go up in a bun, and she was cozy in long flowered dresses, oversized sweaters and flats.
She worked in a library. She had not always been a librarian, but since her “blue self” had possessed most of her real self, social tasks were unfeasible.
The library was her safe place. Surrounded by books and signs reading in big bold letters “Please, keep silence”, the heavy burden of interacting with others had become irrelevant. Time and space were no longer perceived, and she could hide away.
–I am looking for books on art in the Renaissance in Italy, can you help me? – a teenager dressed in a wrinkled school uniform asked. Her tone of voice was inappropriately high-pitched and her constant chewing on gum did not help either. In one hand she was holding a paper cup of coffee, with the other she kept scrolling on her phone.
–Yes, I can help you – Jord replied. But first, you need to throw your gum and coffee in the bin over there. It is not allowed to eat or drink in any of our rooms.
–Chewing gum is not eating. In fact, I am chewing gum so I won’t eat. And this is my last one so I will not throw it away.
–That’s sad – said Jord. Firstly, because of the fact that you ignore how your body works. Chewing gum sends your stomach the signal that it will be fed and, when not getting any food, chances are that you will end up stuffing your face with cheap junk fries and sodas. Secondly, because you made your way here only to go back empty handed.
–I have Google in my phone, you know… – the girl replied while raising an eyebrow.
–Great then! – Jord smiled. I am sure your teacher will be happy reading Wiki facts and www nonsense. And judging by how your uniform looks, I can tell he must not be happy with your behaviour either. But you don’t mind having to retake his subject for the third or fourth time, right?
The girl rolled her eyes up and bit her lower lip reluctantly. She opened her mouth, threw the gum and left the coffee cup on the reception desk.
–I am leaving my coffee here. It was not cheap.
–Sure, I will take care of it – replied Jord while standing up. Now, please follow me to section A22.
When she finally returned to her desk, she had a heavy headache.
“What a waste of energy”, she sighed.
She sat down and looked at the wall. Staring at a fixed spot, she thought about those bumptious words she chose earlier when replying to the girl. She wondered why she did it.
There were times when she could feel how her “blue self” would start to turn darker and mix with feelings of anger and malice. Coming from deep within. She could feel how killing people using words felt sweet and exciting. Her vocabulary would expand exponentially being moved by the adrenaline in her blood. Something kept asking her for more intensity, for deeper wounds.
She could not remember exactly when this sinister mental Scrabble had been activated as a sort of self-defense mechanism. Nor why she enjoyed it so much.
But once the words were out there, once she was at the peak of her ecstasy, of her logorrheic rant, it would happen. Every time. Her vision would start to shrink, all the images in every direction would come together into a unique spot, and the layers of darkness covering her, would start to fade away.
The headache always came along with the feelings of guilt and remorse. When yet another bit of her “self” had been broken.
By then, her “blue self” would have come back.
Jord shook her head and rubbed her eyes. She glanced at her watch. 4 p.m.
–Jord! Are you alright? I have been standing here for the last 2 minutes calling your name! -. Marga’s voice sounded half curious, half worried.
–Yes, yes, I am fine, sorry. I just have a bad headache.
–You have been working too much lately. You should go and have a nice cup of coffee. Maybe eat some chocolate cake. By the way, is this coffee yours?
–No. It belongs to Miss Fuss in A22. We are the guardians of it.
–I don’t know this place, is it new? – said Marga while examining the paper cup. She opened Google in her phone and looked it up.
–Wow! Google really has an infinite capacity of dealing with humans ah? … – Jord mumbled.
–It’s only 3 blocks from here. You should go. Actually, go and tell me what it’s like. I love going to new coffee shops – said Marga while putting her bag and coat in the locker.
When Jord left the library, the daylight blinded her. It was a cold but sunny afternoon.
Maybe Marga was right, and she needed a break; a warm coffee, sit there and clear her mind.
She walked 3 blocks and found it.
“Cafe The Blue Trees. What a peculiar name” – she thought.
But without hesitating, she opened the door and walked in.