Human nature is too complicated.
I don’t even know where to start to analyze it.
We are beings of light, but we are all so full of darkness as well.
Darkness seems to stick to our souls, consuming it daily, fighting an eternal battle where demons apparently have advantage when feelings get complicated. Where a small hole appears, ten more start growing. There is no escape from that.
I know, have faith and pray. I do that too to survive.
But why is it always this hard? Why do we have to live to battle? What’s the purpose?
Souls most of the time get tired, I won’t judge them. It requires too much strength and persistence to keep moving forward.
Not to everyone, some are not even aware of this war of shadows and light. Some just live according to the system and what they are told to be.
I cannot be one of them.
I know, it’s my choice; therefore I must be responsible for it and its consequences.
But it ‘s hard.
Battling the darkness leaves you exhausted, damaged and numb. Unable to feel, because you already know what’s next: inconsistency, insensitiveness, mindless, heartless. .. You have tried once , twice… I can say I have tried more than five or six times. I also have to admit that I still keep trying.
Human nature is strange, why keep trying? Knowing being hurt is inevitable, why do we find pleasure in pain? Living to punish myself for those sins I committed while fighting and losing to this same darkness that now is standing right here in front of me. Different shape, different scenario, but the same old enemy.
I have been transformed as well, I have been touched by the light when it was decided I should awake instead of die.
This inner light then makes me a warrior, and makes me also a slave of my higher self, of my mission. I see it as slavery at times, but I know deep inside I’m blessed.
Darkness has not yet engulfed me, I am protected and assisted in my quests.
So then, how am I to understand human nature? Is it human, is it divine; is it full of ghouls and evil and void makers? Is it about having all those within and trying to push them out; only to realize that outside there is just a bigger and more ruthless battlefield?
A choice.
I have to make a choice.
Decide.
Should I let light burn me or darkness devour me?
No, I won’t make that choice.
Not again.
This time I will have the courage to see this is who I really am.
I am not darkness.
I am not light.
I am both.