No, I’m not talking about anything related to pancakes.
I’m also not talking about the actions of demons or specters.
I’m talking about this tendency to mostly feel unlit events in relation to people around me, including myself.
What I’m trying to say is that this “Beautiful World” is, to my eyes, a different kind of beautiful.
It may be because I have the ability to find beauty in darkness. Or because I see more darkness than light all around.
Being a crepehanger does not fully correspond with being pessimistic.
I can’t relate to those as synonyms; pessimistic, gloomy, misbeliever… There is a remarkable difference between being a crepehanger or a melancholic and being a pessimistic misbeliever.
The feeling of melancholy implies a sense of reflective, abstracted sadness. It’s a state of deep desolation, almost as if a permanent unresolved mourning takes over not only one’s heart but also one’s perception and interpretation schemas.
Do not misunderstand me, even though this may sound as an unbearable heavy weight to live with, it does in fact contain traces of pleasure.
It’s a lifestyle, mindfully coexisting with our sorrow and struggling to understand the reason behind such a state.
A crepehanger is somebody who is over alert; who is anxiously expecting for events, which only exist in their minds, to happen (or not).
The same feeling of melancholia feeds the uneasiness, the distressful thoughts of emptiness.
Some may say it’s disenchantment, some might even interpret it as the inability to find self-confidence or blame it on the softness of character.
Well, allow me to leave you with an enlightened thought: I don’t know the cause, the root of this particularity of my character. I don’t even know if there actually is a motive. But what I know is that my melancholy does not (and should not) impact your life; my crepehanger style does not require your compassion or efforts to save me.
This is who I am.
I have found pleasure in pain and I am able to handle it, some days better than others.
Some days you will see me die.
Some other days, you will see me shine.
Yea, this is me.
This is who I really am.