Today there is no sunshine. Or if there is, I can’t see it.
Blinds are down and windows are closed. The air is dense and I have an intense headache.
It could be due to the lack of food in my stomach for the past 2 days or the packs of cigarettes I have smoked, which I lost count of.
I don’t care, I honestly don’t care.
My phone has been quiet all day, I know because I have been glancing at it hoping to see that notification. But it didn’t happen.
I really don’t know if it’s because I’m too smart or too stupid that I suffer this much. If it’s because I let my mind gain control over me or if it is because I am unable to realize that my mind, in fact, is me. Just a part of me.
Just a part of me which seems to be exactly the one in charge around here. The boss.
Well, the hell with this boss. You are ruining me.
I wish I could detach from you, turn you off, set you on fire.
Delusional, that’s what some people would call me. Depressive, negative, bipolar. “Take some pills and fix your chemistry” “Have you tried therapy?” “Don’t think so much”.
For my life ‘s sake.
No. Stop. Just stop.
This is called darkness and it lives within me. I didn’t invite her in, she just decided to set camp and get comfortable here.
The difference between you and me is that I can see her. I talk to her. I deal with her every day. Whereas you don’t even know that she also resides within you, latent for now.
You don’t understand me? You can’t deal with me?
Don’t worry, I can’t either. But somehow, I do it. Somehow every day I open my bloody eyes and find myself laying down here, breathing dirty air, smelling my overused clothes and debating whether I should try to explain to you one more time what is going on with me; or not, and just let it be.
Honestly, it’s exhausting.
But I am not giving up. Why? I don’t know exactly why, but it just doesn’t feel right to give up.
So I won’t.
And also because tomorrow there may be some sunshine.
And I may be able to see it.
I may open the window and let it in.