Saying that the last couple years (much longer than just two, let’s be honest) have been hard is not only an understatement; but at this point in time, it’s become a cliche phrase. Like saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” or “nothing lasts forever”.
I know it. You know it. Most of us know it. Not just the complicated matters of the years post pandemic; the analysis itself of the so many ramifications is exhausting.
We have all been doing our best, surrounded by panic, death, uncertainty and ongoing change. We have been trying and re-trying to recover and place all of the mental and emotional tools we accumulated during our lifetimes which could be helpful for dealing with such an event. An event that we never saw coming, that we only watched on TV while chewing on popcorn; what would we do if the World as we know it, collapsed? Right, many of us were expecting aliens, maybe a meteorite impact; even another devastating historical flood.
But what happened caught us all tangled in such confusion, that even now, years after it all started, we still can’t decide if we want to go back to the past or go back to the future. The discussions around the ideas of working from home vs. going back on site vs. hybrid dynamics are all over the place: social media, news, shows, podcasts. Experts on psychology, on education, on politics, on organizational behavior, on business, on planning, on finances, on anthropology, on neuroscience, on emotional intelligence, on technology, on everything and all; they are here talking about each and every (insert any adjective here) thing you could (or maybe, should?) have experienced during this time. We read them, we agree, we don’t. We keep the conversations going, we stop them. We like them, we argue with them, we follow them, we block them.
Freedom. Freedom in action, our ability to decide whether or not we find information suitable to our existing thinking frames, and/or if we are willing to amalgamate it or if we need to build a new section that accommodates the novelty. Or simply, discard it.
It is that same freedom, that same breath of air, which I am now talking about.
To me, born and raised free in my mind, in my body and in my spirit, freedom has always been innate to who I am. A fundamental aspect of my identity; the ability to express my ideas in spoken and written words, to take up space in the places I exist, to show my voice without concealing it or selling it for popularity or suitability. That, who I am, however, has been tremendously impacted by plenty of external voices who are trying hard to normalize a certain way of understanding and materializing the ideas on “keep pushing yourself”.
I think I partially understand; the will to keep pushing through, refusing to give up, is core to the survival instinct we all carry in our genetic code. Maybe for some people, this instinct kicks in stronger; and from their toolbox of learnt experiences they are able to keep pulling out resilience, perseverance, persistence, courage, etc. In big doses and in ways they don´t do more harm than good to their mental and physical selves. Maybe it’s a combination of their strength and their personal circumstances that result in them having a very stern determination, a seemingly unbreakable positive outlook on life. Sometimes, I find this approach being thrown at me without really paying too much attention to the full picture of who I am, where I come from, what I’ve been through; more like a small dose of “let me tell you what I think you should be doing”.
Insisting on the idea of “keep pushing through” in a “it’s the only possible way” tone, as if that’s how we all should be taking life as is now; not surrendering to our comfort zone, not allowing ourselves to wallow in our misery for too long, always showing up, always keeping ourselves in check, resorting to make peace with uncomfortable situations; I find those as heavy unnecessary extra pressures building in my already saturated mind.
I am not generalizing or saying all people who show themselves as stronger (whatever that word means for our current scenarios) are evil or don’t care for others or don’t have moments of exhaustion. My point here is that I have been feeling as if my freedom in the way I choose to experience my own emotions, thoughts and consequent decisions and actions around the reality which exists, and the one which is my own, is not fully “a fit” for what others consider should be.
I have never thought being vulnerable was one of my weaknesses, I always valued and praised myself for showing my most real self to the World. Imperfect and weak at times, unable to meet deadlines or attend to meetings, having to cope with anxiety and panic which many times made me tear down in front of others or take an Uber instead of metro. Devastated by grief for months, getting sick frequently. But also, able to lead others and get successful results in projects, inspire and guide, show knowledge and put it into practice with compassion and humbleness.
There are things I can cope with and things I can´t. Not because “I don’t want to”, simply because I can´t. Which doesn’t mean it’s a definite “can´t”. Maybe it is a temporary inability, maybe it is something I used to be able to handle and now it changed, and I am unable to manage it the same way as before. Or maybe I just can´t.
All of the above are fine. I don’t need to keep pushing through the discomfort that causes me to experience those situations I am unable to cope with. What I do is to radically accept that I am in a constant state of change, adaptation and learning, and that as I experience life, I am able to freely decide the extent of the uneasiness my mind and body can handle, and gently and lovingly take care of my own self, helping me in the path towards embracing all things I “can” and all things I “can’t”.
I am not giving up. Or giving in. Or passively drowning into harmful behaviors. What I’m doing is growing in self and global awareness. I am building on my freedom of wiring and rewiring my brain towards more understanding and compassion. Towards others, and most importantly, towards me.
The courage of accepting radically, despite all the noises around shouting at me to keep pushing through
