I thought the title of this story would be catchy, following Coelho’s famous “By the River Piedra I sat down and cried”. Beautiful read, by the way. Point is, I also cried, but that title would have come too close.
This morning I woke up not like many other mornings. Usually, I wake up with the marks of tears on my face, and deep black bags under my eyes. The signs of crying to sleep. The marks of desperation that goes unattended; I am unable to comfort my own emptiness, others are too busy to comfort me when I need it. I get it, everybody has their own demons to fight.
This morning I woke up feeling angry. I opened my swollen eyes and felt the fury moving up my throat, like a heavy heartburn. I didn’t vomit, but maybe it would have helped the moment. To let it out. We all know anger is not a friendly emotion, we were well warned by science, religion, and everything in between, that if you hold to it too much, the only one who will get damaged is yourself.
All the theories exist in my head, beautifully arranged as a mid century library’s searching tabs system; card after card I have engulfed and digested all sorts or knowledge and practices.
Despite my intellect, this morning the feeling of anger caused me to gag, and left me sitting there on my bed, agitated. Disoriented. Tired.
The moment of sudden realization, the kind that happens once every many months, or years, did not occur but after later during my day though; when I decided to sit under the Banyan tree.
It was the realization of not the “why” I was feeling so angry, but of what I was going to do about it. Or, better said, not do.
I’ll explain.
I still don’t know why I was so angry this morning. I do have a list of possible reasons, all of which make perfect sense and are not absurb. I am using the term absurb here as a synonym of “are not irrational”. Meaning, there is a rational explanation for each, not a magical one. I’ll give you an example: “I feel angry because even when I am trying my best to stay calm, I end up breaking down and crying”. There is a rational explanation for that possible reason. I am not saying “I feel angry because last night during the lunar eclipse I got possessed by various evil spirits and now they are breaking up my inner strength and feeding on it so I end up crying”. That sounds a bit more magical. Careful, I am not saying that magical explanations aren’t valid. I am just saying that this morning, all the reasons for my anger, were rational.
While I was coming back from running some errands, angry and all things in my schedule need to get done, I reached the middle point of my journey and decided to take a short break. It was too hot, too humid and, yes, I was still steaming up.
The Banyan tree was there, offering me its shadow, and its oxygen, and I felt as if a refreshing breeze was coming through its branches. I sat under it. And I started to pray. As I prayed, I cried. It is said that Banyan trees are sacred, and that the spirits can hear your needs and grant you help. Suddenly, I felt the need to go to the beach. I checked the map and realized that, from the Banyan tree, it was a 3 minutes ride.
So I went.
I arrived there and after a few flight of stairs down tiny alleys downhill, it was there. Sand and sea. A tiny beach.
I removed my expensive pair of Lanvin, my socks, lifted my jeans, left my ipad and book on a rock and walked to the shoreline.
As I stood there, the water would cover my feet and I wasn’t feeling the chilly waves, I was feeling relief. I was feeling lighter. I prayed again. I cried again too.
And the anger dissipated. It may very well have travelled from its center to the outside, through my toes and into the salty water.
When I was back in my house, and after having a shower and lightening a candle, I understood. No, no the why I was angry earlier. I still don’t know now.
But how thanks to the Banyan tree, who heard my voice and saw me, who gave me wind and air, land and leaves, and pointed me to water and waves, now I can feel the change in me.
There are so many things I need to do. So many decisions I need to make. But the four elements showed themselves today for me, as I was moving ahead in my journey. They served as portals, taking me from one place to the other , each time helping me understand more that it’s not about what I need to do. It’s about what I don’t do
The moment when I dont do , when I just am, and I just breathe.